Family members and partners of victims of sexual assault are also victimized by this crime. Trying to be of support and assistance to a victim will be much more successful they understand some general information about sexual assault. Unfortunately, some of the common feelings and reactions experienced by these secondary victims can delay the victim's process of regaining control in her life and healing. In addition, secondary victims may believe some of the myths that are prevalent in our society about the nature of sexual violence. It is crucial for secondary victims to examine their own attitudes and feelings in order to be a positive support person for the victim.
It is important to validate the feelings of secondary victims. Sexual assault is a crisis for them, too. Crisis lines and counselors are available to assist them with their feelings and their concerns. Encouraging them to take advantage of these options can be beneficial both for them and for the victim by removing some of the pressures on her. Victims are often placed in the position of caretaking for the significant other, when it is important for her to concentrate on herself. Let secondary victims know that helping themselves in turn helps the victim, and they have no reason to feet selfish or guilty for examining and dealing with their emotions.
Feelings
Sexual assault counselors and advocates understand that sexual assault is a crime of violence and stems from issues of power and control. It is important to communicate this information both to victims and to their partners.
General education can be very helpful. Explain the inherently violent nature of rape/ sexual assault as a crime and define the differences between common myths and facts. Treat all of their concerns respectfully and give factual answers. Any misconceptions that a counselor can clarify will take that burden off the victim.
Sexual assault removes a person's control over her body and personal physical safety.
One of the crucial elements in the healing process is empowering the victim through enabling or facilitating her decision-making - not by making decisions for her. Parents and partners often fall into the pattern of wanting to take control of the situation, hoping that they will alleviate the victim's pain by taking charge. Communicate the importance of being supportive versus demanding or overbearing, and of the victim's need to make decisions about the process herself. The victim must decide her views on privacy, confidentiality, and when, with whom and what amount of information she wants to share with others.
Overprotection is a similar reaction. The desire to protect the victim from further pain and danger is very common. Again, the most productive way to deal with a victim is to listen to her concerns and feelings and respect her right to make decisions about safety, etc. Treating her as an adult instead of as a child will reinforce the trust the person has in the victim.
Prepare the significant other(s) for the possible psychological and physiological responses the victim may experience as a result of the sexual assault. Behavior changes such as insomnia, panic attacks, phobias, depression, and so forth, are normal reactions.
Secondary victims often desire, as do primary victims, definite information: 'When will I feel better?" or "How can I help her?" By expressing that there is no single 'right" thing to do or that there is no specific time line or pattern for recovery and healing, a counselor is relaying valuable information that can help all persons connected to the incident. Encouraging secondary victims to use hotlines, counseling and other available alternatives to help with the healing process, whenever they need to, does a great service to everyone involved.